My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
