My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
