i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
