He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
