Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
