Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
