Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
How's work?
Spinning.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
