there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
