were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
