Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Pants are for mortals
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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