i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
