a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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