I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
