Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
