I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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