I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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