Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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