Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
