He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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