i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
