I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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