what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
