Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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