If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
