i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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