we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
