I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
