how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
