Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
