drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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