we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
