I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
