sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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