It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
