i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
