Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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