I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
