then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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