you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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