Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
