please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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