Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
