i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
