Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
