Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
