dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
