So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
