Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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