so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
