i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
