ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize