You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
