You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
