I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
