I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
