She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
