Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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