we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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