Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
