I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize