The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
